This Is Me... Watching JLo's This is Me... Now

On having a profoundly silly little time with JLo's steampunk-concert-love story-cosmic-therapy session.

First of all: I love Jennifer Lopez. She is ridiculous and self-serious in such an earnest way it’s impossible to not love her for it. She knows her angles, what looks good on her, and how to make sure any camera is glued to her. So I’m going into this with all my love for this ridiculous woman.

This Is Me… Now is JLo’s self-funded epic, released last night on Prime Video. It’s a not a movie in the traditional sense of the term as much as it is a gateway into a mind that has imploded onto itself. A glimpse into what happens when you have so much money it wraps any leftover editorial sense in a wad of cash and sets it on fire with a solid gold lighter encrusted in diamonds.

I braved This Is Me… Now, all sixty-five minutes of it, and these are all the thoughts I had watching it. Buckle in.

1. Not the fairytale bookend, ma’am. I’m down for romanticising your own life to stave away the everyday pull of despair and despondency, but this is too much.

2. What sign is JLo? (Leo.)

3. Driving through a lake doesn’t seem safe, tbqh.

4. And - oop - it’s not. The vaguely Ben Affleck-looking fella is gone. That’s why you should wear a helmet.

5. Sexy space factory/jail! Where everyone is imprisoned for being too… romantic?

6. The giant steampunk heart is gonna break and it must be saved through the healing medium of dance.

7. Trauma dance. (Make sure you mention the word trauma at least tenfold.)

8. Why is there mud in this factory? Doesn’t seem sanitary.

9. When I was a kid we used to do Spice Girl dance routines in the playground and honestly, it wasn’t far off from this choreo.

10. Damn, JLo has incredible shoulders. We’ve spent twenty years talking about her ass but should’ve been paying attention to the definition on those boulders.

11. “We all got superpowers”. Only those of us with personal trainers, ma’am.

12. Respectfully, this task seems to be above JLo’s petal factory worker pay grade.

13. Is this the same rose from The Beauty and the Beast?

14. “Scientific study confirms the existence of soulmates”. Show me your workings, movie scientists.

15. I mostly did my therapy sessions in sweatpants, but then I guess that’s why I’m not JLo.

16. BENJAMIN!! NOT THE BLONDE WIG!!

    

17. Ask me to show you a man who truly loves a woman, and I’ll show you a screenshot of Ben Affleck in a blonde wig and a fake nose.

18. In this world, both aliens and astrology is real.

19. I’d wear this rope-corset situation, no questions.

20. My boyfriend once told me that he went through a phase where he wanted all his furniture to be made out of glass. JLo is living his dream.

21. Glass houses, geddit?

22. It takes a lot of trust for a couple to have a fully glass bathroom.

23. “Fuck Libras.”

24. “The Zodiacal Council” is the next stage of evolution for the horoscope girlies.

    

25. Jane Fonda, Keke Palmer, Post Malone, Trevor Noah, Neil deGrasse Tyson are the Zodiacal council… but why did Matthew McConaughey not make a cameo?

26. What dirt does JLo have on Jane Fonda that she convinced her to do this?

27. Where the Capricorn and Aquarius representatives?

28. None of these men are hot enough for JLo, I’m sorry. Cast better himbos.

29. This little thieving subplot… I’m into it. It’s the only piece of characterisation given to any of the members of the JLo friend group.

30. I wouldn’t complain about this level of open-bar, to be frank.

31. Once again: none of these men are hot enough for her.

32. If her closest friends who disapprove of her grooms are not involved in the wedding at all, are they really that close?

33. I’ve decided all these grooms are AI-generated. They are simply too generic-looking to be real people.

34. “Being with you feels like home. But I left home for a reason.” MADAM. This is a twenty-million-dollar PRODUCTION, not a diary with a toy golden lock.

35. Wait, is she leaving their houses? She moved in with them? In a film with a giant petal-operated heart, the most unbelievable thing is that Jennifer Lopez would ever move into an AI-generated himbo’s house.

36. Who are these people? What are their names? Wait, what is her name?

37. She’s a sex addict but we’ve seen zero sex so far.

38. I’m deducing that JLo loved Coda purely because of Paul Raci’s presence here.

39. Fire this fucking therapist for picking up his phone while his patient is still there. Rude!

40. This sparkly couch is giving me a migraine.

41. The Way We Were (1973) — banger. I’d watch it every day too.

42. What is HER NAME? Why doesn’t she start with that in Love Addicts Anonymous?

43. It’s so convenient that every single one of these sex addicts is a professional dancer.

44. I, much like JLo, also enjoy being wet indoors.

45. There is a matching, monogramed chaise-longe and carpet.

46. Okay, so SHE’s the flower?

47. Is this Sam Rockwell’s house from Charlie’s Angels (2000)?

48. Why doesn’t she date this hot, nameless friend of hers?

49. He’s got a name! Mike? Pfft. I needed something with more pizzazz.

50. She grew up wanting to be a woman in love?

51. What does she actually do?

52. That rude therapist seems both expensive and not very good at his job.

53. Wait, so does this factory make… rose petals?

54. At this point my TV started glitching and for a good minute I thought it was part of the movie.

55. “Magical things” happen in the rain. Like pneumonia.

56. Gene Kelly is trying to crawl out of his grave right to haunt everyone involved in this Singin’ in the Rain scene and for good reason.

57. The woman hurriedly getting into the restaurant behind JLo’s impromptu choreo in the rain… she is me.

58. Sometimes, you should give up, though.

59. Is this Dune? Why are they in the desert again?

60. “This has got to be one of the weirdest things I’ve done in my life”. You and me both, Sofia Vergara.

61. This entire film is a safety hazard.

62. In the credits, Mike is the only one of the friendship group that gets a name. Unclear why.

63. I would’ve given anything to have been a fly on the wall at the friends-and-family screening of this.

64. The lesson here is: sometimes it’s okay to keep your therapy thoughts to therapy.

65. This is celebrity nonsense. This is grandiose cringe. This is a failure so sincere it’s circled all the way back to iconic. I can’t help but love this deeply silly woman.